My Library

This solution to fear had led me to do many stupid things -- such as walk fifty-seven blocks through a New York subway tunnel when I realized I was afraid to do so. One reason I tried parapsychology experiments was that I was afraid I would fail at them -and did so many times. One reason I had refused Puthoff’s invitation to SRI for a second time was that I was afraid I would fail. Another reason was that if I didn’t fail, then if Puthoff’s project really got going, it would be somehow connected to the larger military-intelligence establishment -- for that was where SRI got most of its money from. I also could not possibly miss the accumulating clues indicating probable Washington interest in his project. I WAS afraid of falling flat on my face in full view of SRI and THAT establishment. It was in this slightly psychotic frame of mind that I got out of bed about 3:00 p.m. I made yet another Italian espresso pot, sat it by the phone, and with sweating, shaking hands dialed Puthoff’s number. "Puthoff speaking." "OK, here I am." "Gosh! Really? I was about to call you. Is it true you’re taking over the ASPR?" I lost it. I bitched about everything -- about the suppression of the Wilkins-Sherman experiments, about the ASPR board, about Xerox machines, about how difficult it was to play hardball inside a pillow stuffed with fraidy-cat egos and bullshit, and etc. I then felt better. I suddenly felt like playing hardball again. "If I come out there," I began, "I want some things."