My Library

friends seem subdued … both dog and cat lie half asleep in the front hall, facing the door, waiting … the sun has just set and twilight is moving in … soon it will be dark, and I can sit in the dark and see the house full of things, things she selected and liked so much, things she made do with until there was better, things her grandmother used, things she placed or hung in each room or put in closets and drawers where only she knew where they were … all an expression of her and bearing her reflection … but she is gone, she is not here as I expected … I don’t need light to see the things to remind me she was here … the sight of them does not disturb me and I would not change or remove them because they have her strong imprint … I can find her in the dark or in the light, it makes no difference … she taught me so much without knowing she did … the very female human response to moments large and little, uncovered, uncolored except by her own perspective … all of these she shared with me … so that I lead not one but three lives, hers, mine, and our meld … and she helped me learn release from one of the most difficult of all, that physical sexual drive is not the fundamental of this energy I don’t know what else to call but love, but one of the most common inducements to kindle the process … once the full flame is created, the inducement is not even the fuel that feeds it, but instead a multileveled minor physical note in an infinite chord … I now understand a mother and physical motherhood without being one … why a woman likes to be a wife and the admix of the idealistic and the realistic that foments such liking … a lifetime of human gamut in a fraction thereof … the whither thou goest, I go, is more than true, yet a release from this part is needed and accepted … she goes with me and I go with her … aloneness is an illusion … here or there, the flame is eternal and we carry within us that which we have received and created … she is returning now as I knew she would … and we will not exchange goodbyes or forwarding addresses, our idents in one another are indelible … just one final moment in this point of time … CLICK!